“Circumscribed interests”
“Rigid, inflexible”
“Repetitive, stereotyped behaviors”
“Delayed socialization”
“Organic brain dysfunction,” it
used to be called.
used to be called.
My brain is wired differently than others'.
Doc gives me medication. “To work on
anxiety,” he tells my mother. “Will help with flexibility.”
But, every time I take it, I can see the little trains of medicine
traveling from my stomach to my brain. Can't stop thinking about
trains in my brain. Freaks me out. When I refuse the
medication, they say I'm being “noncompliant.” They take stuff
away from me in punishment. Important stuff, like my trains.
anxiety,” he tells my mother. “Will help with flexibility.”
But, every time I take it, I can see the little trains of medicine
traveling from my stomach to my brain. Can't stop thinking about
trains in my brain. Freaks me out. When I refuse the
medication, they say I'm being “noncompliant.” They take stuff
away from me in punishment. Important stuff, like my trains.
They just don't understand.
I love trains. But not old-fashioned
ones. People give me those sometimes, thinking I will like them, but
I don't. I tell them so. Mom says I'm being rude and sends me to my
room. I was just telling the truth. I don't like that kind of trains.
They don't fit in my collection. I can't have them there. When I am
made to put them “just on the shelf,” I can't stop thinking about
them being there and not belonging. It makes it hard to sleep in that room.
ones. People give me those sometimes, thinking I will like them, but
I don't. I tell them so. Mom says I'm being rude and sends me to my
room. I was just telling the truth. I don't like that kind of trains.
They don't fit in my collection. I can't have them there. When I am
made to put them “just on the shelf,” I can't stop thinking about
them being there and not belonging. It makes it hard to sleep in that room.
They just don't understand.
The best kind of trains are the sleek,
modern trains. My favorites are the Acela trains that come through
the Amtrak station near my home. Their long, smooth lines are
perfectly straight. They move so fast they are a blur to the eyes. I
know all the schedules. When they arrive and depart. Even on
weekends. I stop whatever I am doing to watch them go by, and it
really upsets me if someone tries to stop me, like to tell me I am
supposed to be sitting at the dinner table. But I NEED to see them.
Every time a train goes by my house and I am not there to see it, I
feel a twisting feeling in my stomach and it's a little hard to
breathe. And when I run to the window and see an Acela race by, I
feel calm and happy.
modern trains. My favorites are the Acela trains that come through
the Amtrak station near my home. Their long, smooth lines are
perfectly straight. They move so fast they are a blur to the eyes. I
know all the schedules. When they arrive and depart. Even on
weekends. I stop whatever I am doing to watch them go by, and it
really upsets me if someone tries to stop me, like to tell me I am
supposed to be sitting at the dinner table. But I NEED to see them.
Every time a train goes by my house and I am not there to see it, I
feel a twisting feeling in my stomach and it's a little hard to
breathe. And when I run to the window and see an Acela race by, I
feel calm and happy.
They just don't understand.
The best times are when I am in my
room. Just me and my trains. I have dozens of them. All sleek and
silver and shiny. And books about them. And videos that I play over
and over. Sometimes, mom comes in while I am at school and puts them
on the shelves. Dad says my room is messy and I need to put things
“where they belong.” But they don't belong on the shelves. That's
not how trains work. They are supposed to be hooked together in a
long line, so they can make their journey. When my mom puts my trains
away, I can't do anything until I get them back down and arrange them
the right way. I get so nervous that I recite the train timetables
over and over under my breath as I place one car, then couple it to
the next, then the next, until they are all attached in a procession
that travels around my entire room. When my trains are lined up, I
feel a sense of control and order in a world that usually feels
chaotic and scary to me.
room. Just me and my trains. I have dozens of them. All sleek and
silver and shiny. And books about them. And videos that I play over
and over. Sometimes, mom comes in while I am at school and puts them
on the shelves. Dad says my room is messy and I need to put things
“where they belong.” But they don't belong on the shelves. That's
not how trains work. They are supposed to be hooked together in a
long line, so they can make their journey. When my mom puts my trains
away, I can't do anything until I get them back down and arrange them
the right way. I get so nervous that I recite the train timetables
over and over under my breath as I place one car, then couple it to
the next, then the next, until they are all attached in a procession
that travels around my entire room. When my trains are lined up, I
feel a sense of control and order in a world that usually feels
chaotic and scary to me.
They just don't understand.
It's hard for me to make friends, or
keep them. I am not sure why, because I really want to be their
friend. I go up and ask them “Do you like trains?” Then I begin
to talk about the Acelas, and if I am really nervous, I may start to
list the train schedule for them. I just love trains so much, and I
know that if I can just tell them everything I know about them, that
they will love them too and we will be friends. It doesn't occur to
me that they wouldn't want to hear about trains, again. I miss that their
eye rolling and body language is telling me they are bored. Sometimes, they
interrupt me, and then I have to start all over again. It's so
frustrating!
keep them. I am not sure why, because I really want to be their
friend. I go up and ask them “Do you like trains?” Then I begin
to talk about the Acelas, and if I am really nervous, I may start to
list the train schedule for them. I just love trains so much, and I
know that if I can just tell them everything I know about them, that
they will love them too and we will be friends. It doesn't occur to
me that they wouldn't want to hear about trains, again. I miss that their
eye rolling and body language is telling me they are bored. Sometimes, they
interrupt me, and then I have to start all over again. It's so
frustrating!
They just don't understand.
Nobody understands
what it's
like
to be a kid
with Asperger's.
what it's
like
to be a kid
with Asperger's.
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